Attention all future parents of America

Don't raise your kids to be douchebags. there are far too many of them as it is, and they dont need your help. Today in journalism we were talking about what our kids would be like, and i realized that as long as my kids arent douchebags, i will be a happy parent.
I want to raise my kids along the same lines my parents raised me. Respectful, individual, open minded, and slightly vulgar. (A little vulgarity never hurt anybody, and if your vulgarity drives people away, you wouldnt really want to be friends with them in the first place would you?) I want my kids to be their own people, to form their own opinions about the world and not to be naive, selfish, ignorant, or annoying little fuckers.
It's pretty unbelievable that my kids wont grow up to be top notch people, seeing as how i am classy as fuck and my husband will have to be too, but if for some reason something goes wrong, and i end up with a sucky kid, im sure i will love them anyways. And i probably wont think they are sucky since their my kid, but im sure other people will. So this is a little warning to all my friends and family who will someday be parents. If/when you have kids, and i see that your kids are showing since of douchiness, im going to do you a favor and warn you, beucase its better to nip it in the bud while their still young.
You might say i am hypocritical saying that i want my kids to be their own person, while still training them not to suck. Well heres how i see it. It will be my job as a parent to raise my kids right, and do everything in my power to make sure they lead happy and healthy lives. Think of how much happy and healthier they would be if they werent douches! My biggest fear in life is that my kids will be that person at the party with the tribal tattoo on the bicep, the popped coller, and the backwards baseball cap doing beer bongs every 5 minutes while trying to catch glimpses of himself reflected off the keg. And im sorry if this offends anyone, im sure there are some people like those discribed above who are very nice.
Anyways, bottom line, try your utmost hardest to raise quality children. Or ill be really pissed.

a word of advice from my favorite author

"And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything, will try to stay awake while everyone is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano."
- Dave Eggers

mull it over.

My reaction to Slumdog

So i saw Slumdog Millionaire over the weekend. Without sounding redundant, brilliant movie, brilliant script, brilliant acting, brilliant soundtrack, brilliant cinematography. But this movie really made me realize something i sort of only vaguely recognized before. For some unexplainable reason, i think Indian people are BEAUTIFUL. Even what would normally be considered an ugly Indian person, is somehow just absolutely gorgeous because they are indian. I'm sure im not explaining this in an intelligent or clear way, but i truly think that Indian poeple are the most beautiful people on the planent.
It's not just Indian men either, indian women are probably even more beautiful than their opposite sex. For example, Freida Pinto, who plays Latika in the movie, is perhaps one of the most stunning individuals ever. Also, Aishwarya Rai is another stunning Indian actress. I swear, something about Indian women bring out the lesbian in me.
Im almost positive that this reaction is NOT what Danny boyle had in mind when he made Slumdog, but alas, what can you do?

getting to know you, getting to know all about you

10 things i love(in no particular order)
1. my family
2. facial hair
3.vinegar
4. cooking
5. photographs
6.movies
7. books
8.love
9. getting lost
10.the way babies smell (minus the poop)


10 things i hate
1. runny eggs
2. bugs
3. over-tanned skin
4. the words "rucksack, rubbish, and slacks"
5. math
6. ignorance
7. the words "things, some, stuff,whatever" they are placeholders used when you are too apathetic or lazy to say what you really feel
8.fake boobs
9. getting lost
10. melon

Small Country

So i got a Mcsweeney's gift certificate (best freaking present ever) from my mom for Christmas, and amongst various other publications, i bought a book of stories called Noisy Outlaws, Unfirendly Blobs, and Maybe Some Other Things That Aren't as Scary, Maybe, Depending on How You Feel About Lost Lands, Stray Cellphones, Creatures from the Sky, Parents Who Disappear in Peru, a Man Named Lars Farf, and One Other Story We Couldn't Quite Finish, So Maybe You Could Help Us Out. long title.
Anways, the first story is called Small Country by Nick Hornby (he wrote About a boy, high fidelity, other good stuff). The story is basically about this boy who realizes that his town is actually a country sandwiched somewhere between France, Switzerland and Italy. Its the smallest country ever, consisting of only a couple houses, a school, a cafe, and a football pitch. Anyways, it sort of got me thinking about what if Scituate was its own country?
Pros:
1. You basically know everyone in your country
2. you get a stamp on your passport by going to Cohasset
4. it would be really easy to be dubbed the country's greatest basketball player or french speaker or sandwich maker etc etc
5. our national anthem would probably be something by lil wayne or taylor swift, based purely on the musical interests of the population of Scituate
6. Officer Wood for president?

cons:
1. You basically know everyone in your country
2. you get a stamp on your passport by going to Cohasset
4. it would be really easy to be dubbed the country's greatest basketball player or french speaker or sandwich maker etc etc
5. our national anthem would probably be something by lil wayne or taylor swift, based purely on the musical interests of the population of Scituate
6. Officer Wood for president?


conclusion: no thanks.

Solid as Barack

Inauguration day! Regardless of your political views, you have to admit that this is one of the most historic and emotional days in our lives so far. I honestly feel like a pregnant woman right now, i am so emotional over it. Solidad whatsherface cant even say the words Obama, black, and president without me weepy uncontrollably.
Part of the reason this election means so much to me is becuase it is the only one where i have been sort of old enough to really get involved and be educated on the issues. Before this year i quite frankly didnt give a flying fuck about our country and couldnt wait to move to Europe after i graduated college. I still cant wait to live in that villa in Tuscany, but i think some of the patriotism that Bush sucked out of me might be returing. Thats not to say that i will start wearing American flag t shirts and slap on a God Bless America sticker next to my UVM one on my car, but i am slowly but surely lessing the somewhat disdaining relationship i had with America.
Listen, i know Obama comes with his cons. Opposition to gay marriage, celebrity status etc etc. But i also know that regardless of how he acts out his term(s) in office, he will still be the nations 1st black president, and thats pretty fucking rad.
What i guess i am trying to say is dont take this day for granted. What is happening is amazing and realizing that is pretty important. Without sounding cliche or corny or whatever, i really feel like this is a step in the right direction for our country. And who knows, maybe in four years a really ignorant former miss Alaska can run for VP......oh wait...

All the cool kids are doing it

I have given in to peer pressure and finally created a blog. I guess the reason for my hesitation before was that i thought it was a bit egotistical to think people would actually want to read all about me. I hate people who put themselves on display, saying "look how funny i am" or "look at what a cool life i have" or "look how many times i can use the words black and broken corresponding to the condition of my heart"
But alas, most of the people i know who have blogs actually have interesting, funny, or insightful things to say (with a few minor, and cringe-worthy exceptions.) i havent really even decided if i will share this with anyone yet, and part of the reason i am doing it is becuase Maura is always telling me i should write so i can be a famous script writer and buy her a villa in Tuscany. Even though that isnt what i want to do with my life, Tuscany sounds pretty fucking good right about now.
So i guess it all boils down to the fact that i am bored, anxious, and have a huge store of word vomit that has no place to go. So this blog is the toilet to my word vomit. I will projectile it here.